I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
