nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
