Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
