listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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