oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
