Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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