So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize