I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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