sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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