when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
