I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
