well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
