the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
