I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
