Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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