dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
