Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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