i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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