It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
