dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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