Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
