Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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