I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
