i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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