# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
