Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
