Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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