There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
