I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
