if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also, beer. Big fan.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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