I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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