Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
