i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
