took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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