positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
