I wish my penis had an off switch
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
