I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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