Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
