you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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