Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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