Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
