Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
