I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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