at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
