My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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