God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
