Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
