The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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