wrigley field is MILF paradise
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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