When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
